Intimacy in Your Marriage | Day 9

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Welcome to Day 9 of our series, From Chaos to Calm: 15 Weeks to a Happy Home. Today we’re talking about a subject that deserves thought and prayer. Sexual intimacy in your marriage is important for the emotional health of your marriage.

Be sure to download my free printable Prayer Bookmarks at the bottom of the post!

From Chaos to Calm: Day Nine

Your Desire Shall be for Your Husband

Scripture Memory: “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” Ephesians 5:31

Download the .pdf version of this article.

When a woman first meets the man she falls in love with, her heart is full of excitement, joy, peace, and passion. She counts the minutes until she sees him again. She longs for him to be by her side in all that she does. She does little things for him that she knows will make him happy. She flirts and smiles and is generally pleasant to be around.

So what happens once she has been married for a while? Suddenly, his little quirky behaviors that she once thought were cute are not cute anymore. Over the course of weeks, months, and years she realizes that her knight in shining armor is not so shiny any longer. And suddenly she may feel that she has been short-changed.

It will come as no surprise to most married women that as time goes on, often the romance fades. A woman may have a hard-working man who comes home every night but if she does not feel that emotional connection, she simply won’t feel as inclined to be intimate with her husband. Yet, as a husband, when he feels that emotional connection slipping away, he wants to reconnect with his wife through physical love and touch.

The Bible tells us, “The wife gives authority over her body to her husband, and the husband also gives authority over his body to his wife. So do not deprive each other of sexual relations.” 1 Corinthians 7:4 (NLT)

If you have a habit of denying your husband the pleasure of your touch and of your body, you are making a mistake! You and your husband need that time together. If you or your husband is not happy with the amount of lovemaking going on in your bedroom, you need to spend time in prayer over this matter.

God created sex to be sacred. Sex is meant to be a gift. It’s something you beautiful you give one another. It’s a giving – not a taking – and the giving should be mutual. You are missing out on a true spiritual blessing if you don’t make room in your heart for a physical connection with your husband.

If you are tired – every night – perhaps you should go to bed earlier, or take a nap. If you have resentment in your heart, you may not feel like being intimate with him. Why do you resent him? Pray for a forgiving spirit. If you avoid kissing your husband during the day, ask yourself why?

Note: Most normal marriages will have times of stress or unhappiness that can lead to emotional disconnect if you aren’t actively working to keep your marriage healthy. If you are in an unhealthy or abusive marriage, you are likely to experience an emotional disconnect because there is something seriously wrong. It’s important to know the difference. You can read my article on Anger and Emotional Abuse within Marriage for more information.

Do not withhold your love from your husband. Ask for God’s blessing on your marriage as well as those intimate moments. Surprise your husband with a night he will remember. Try some of the following suggestions:

  • Greet him at the door with a smile a 15 second kiss and a warm hug. Tell him how happy you are that he is home.
  • Run a bubble bath for him and fluff his towel in the dryer so it is warm when he gets out. Light some candles so he can relax.
  • Get a baby sitter if possible and have a candle light dinner for him. Make his favorite meal.
  • Clean your bedroom of all clutter if needed and put fresh scented sheets on the bed. Light candles. Have fluted glasses filled with sparkling cider. Serve him homemade chocolate covered strawberries in bed.
  • Dress in a pretty night gown and wear a pretty shade of lip gloss. Wear your hair down. Spend at least 30 minutes seducing him.
  • Wake your husband with a back rub in the morning and a warm breakfast. Help him dress and be sure his clothes are wrinkle free the night before.
  • Tell him how wonderful he is and how lucky you are to have a hard working man in your life. Make him feel like a king. He might wonder where his real wife went! However, with some time and effort and prayer he will begin to romance you and treat you like his queen!

Ask God to give you a sincere desire to please your husband in and out of the bedroom. Your marriage will be blessed. Use your morning prayer time to focus on your precious husband. Continue to get up early every morning!

More Resources for Christian Women

Sheila Wray Gregorie from the blog To Love, Honor, and Vacuum has so many fabulous resources for Christian women on the topic of sex and emotional wellness within a marriage. I’m sure I didn’t do this topic justice.

Some of my favorite resources she has are:

Action Steps to Take Today

  1. Pray and ask God to show you how you can intimately connect with your husband and if you need to improve your own attitude about sexual intimacy in marriage.
  2. Plan a special evening or time with your husband to really focus on just the two of you without distractions of kids or problems you are currently dealing with.
  3. Make a commitment to do something kind for your husband to kindle the romance in your marriage on a regular basis. Schedule it on your calendar if you need to!

Free Printable Bookmarks

Free Printable Praying for My Husband Bookmarks @ AVirtuousWoman.org
Praying for My Husband Bookmarks

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  1. What do you do when this is reversed?... I have tried all of the above techniques, many times over. Yet still, my husband rarely has sexual intimacy with me. I am the one wishing for more physical touch! Although he professes his undying love to me on a daily basis (and I do believe him), I am dying of physical loneliness. He kisses and hugs me everyday before he leaves for work, and he does the same when he walks in the door after work. Otherwise, he's neither intimate nor romantic. I am lucky if he has sex with me for more than 30 minutes, two to three times in a month. His buddies compliment me, more often than he does. I don't feel attractive, or womanly. I often convince myself that I'm being ridiculous, and I know how many women want to take him from me (some have tried, and failed). I love him too much, and I know he honestly loves me; so I just put up with it, because that's how he has always been.
  2. I have been listening and studying "From Chaos to Calm Series". It has open my eyes to a true understanding of what God expects from me as a mother but most of all a wife. I was so surprised to see that I was guilty of most if not all of what is not acceptable behavior towards my husband. I have followed your suggestions and I can truly say that I have drawn closer to God n have been able to submit to my husband more easily. May God continue to use you to help others. Thank you Andrea
  3. I will try this because its a huge problem..but I will say..the thought of sex exhausts and my desire level is zero. This seems more like stepford house wife not real life wife
    1. Mary, I struggle from time to time with this too! And I totally understand. I don't think you have to have sex with your husband every night to be a good wife! He should have compassion for how you feel too and if you are exhausted - you have a right to be exhausted. The problem really comes when you put off sex all the time because you just don't feel like it. {Now, if a woman is suffering from any type of abuse - physical, emotional, mental - she is not required to have sex with her husband - God does not value a husband's sexual pleasure more than he values the wife.} Sometimes it's a matter of just falling in love all over again. Sometimes it's a matter of letting your husband know how sex could be better. And if sex is painful, that's not normal so you should consult your doctor or use lubrication to make it feel better. Sex should feel good and it should ideally bring you and your husband closer emotionally and spiritually. If your marriage is broken, you may need to work on healing the hurts so that when you do make love it is a natural expression of the love you feel. God bless your efforts, Mary!
    1. I think kissing is one of the first things to go when a married couple is emotionally disconnected. Kissing is a very intimate way of showing love. When you don't kiss - it's easy to keep emotions close and deny that connection when we don't kiss.
  4. In my marriage, I feel that the roles are reversed. My husband pulls away from being intimate with me. There is such a strong desire for him and I try and try and try. He consistently rejects me. Only when he wants his needs met. It has taken a toll on myself image and I'm very emotionaly hurt because of it. He doesn't desire to be with me but maybe 1x a month.
    1. Lisa, I'm so sorry you are struggling with this issue. This website has some great advice about sex in the context of a Christian marriage: http://tolovehonorandvacuum.com/2012/10/where-to-find-specific-marriage-advice/ I hope this helps!
  5. Love this! I truly think this will bring my marriage to the next level! What a way to be a shining example of Gods love to the world. I have been feeling a total lack of romance lately but I had never stopped to consider that the rekindling of romance could start with me and hopefully inspire my husband (and others!). Thank you!
  6. Melissa-I am new to your site and I LOVE it!! However, I am wondering is there a search feature or archives feature that I'm not seeing? Thanks!!!!
    1. Hi Carrie! Are you on mobile or a computer? There is a search bar in the sidebar for those on the computer. I archive all of my articles as I write them in one of the three categories: Abundant Living, Family Life, and At Home, but I've been trying to come up with a better solution. If you have ideas, let me know! Thanks!
  7. Great message! I am a little confused about the memory verse though. I was taught that the verse "your desire shall be for your husband and he shall rule over you" was after the Fall happened, describing how women would want to rule over their husband and be the lead of the pair, which is the man's God given responsibility. I thought it meant that the wife would cringe under the leadership of her husband and will desire to be the leader. I never thought of it as a verse to aspire to, especially because it's the curse God gave after the Fall. Any clarification would be helpful! Bless you!
    1. Nadine, I have personally never heard that interpretation. I've always taken the verse as it is read. Nothing in this verse suggests to me that it means anything other than she will desire her husband. This article is interesting: http://www.theologyforwomen.org/2010/04/her-desire-will-be-for-her-husband.html Note: I have not read other articles on this site and can't vouch for them. :)
  8. This post has come at just the right time. My husband has been working a lot lately and we have two young kids. He's hardly ever home and when he is home, he's not home, if that makes sense. He hardly interacts with the kids or myself. I've talked to him about it and nothing has changed. I don't feel like he cares for us like he once did, and I feel like it's pushing me away. I dread having to kiss him. He cuddled up to me last night in bed and I just wanted him to go away (which I didn't say or do just felt). When you're to this point, how do you do all the advice in the post. I think they're all wonderful ideas but the thought of rekindling has me gritting my teeth. I know my actions can ultimately change the course of our marriages so I need to stop it but I'm dying inside!
  9. I'd like to know how a woman can give herself to her husband, repeatedly, when he shows absolutely no interest or desire in connecting with her or the children in the home? This has been my experience for 10 years, and I can't do it anymore. The disconnection and disinterest is a form of emotional abuse in my opinion, and I don't believe God expects me to continue only connecting sexually, when there is no spiritual or emotional connection.
    1. Emotional abuse is not okay! I have written several articles about emotional abuse in Christian marriages. You can do a search. Here's one to get you started: https://avirtuouswoman.org/emotional-abuse-2/ I'm so sorry you are hurting. :(

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