Biblical Grounds for Divorce | Is Adultery the Only Biblical Reason?
In Christian circles, women are often made to feel like regardless of their situation, divorce is not an option. Today I want to take a look at Biblical grounds for divorce and really see what the Bible has to say on the matter.
At the young age of 21, I was a divorced mother of three small children.
Two years later I married my husband, Mykal, who had also been divorced. After we had been married for three years and I was pregnant with my fifth child, a “well meaning Christian” told my husband that we were committing adultery and that we both needed to go back to our first spouses.
Sounds crazy, right?
Well, I thought so anyway. I mean, who was she to say I should have never left my ex-husband? Really, did she know any of the circumstances?
My first marriage was very, very difficult. I generally don’t talk about it much because I do have children from that marriage. However, there were a lot of reasons I called my mom that day and asked her if I could come home.
Making that call was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. I had a lot of pride and admitting that things were bad, that I needed help, that I had made a huge mistake was hard.
I believe with all of my heart that God gave me the courage to leave a really bad situation.
I was a broken, broken young woman desperate to be loved, cared for, and cherished. I can’t describe the depth of pain and despair I found myself in at that time in my life.
So, today I want to look at what I know is a sensitive subject and could be controversial. Is divorce ever okay?
Biblical Grounds for Divorce
The reality is that divorce is painful for all those involved. Divorce has long term consequences and ramifications. God hates divorce {Malachi 2:16} and with good reason – it was never in His plan that people would hurt and manipulate each other.
Ideally, divorce would never happen. Husbands and wives would always work together, always respect each other, and never hurt or harm their spouse.
Unfortunately, we live in a sin sick world and there are men and women who are in marriages where vows are broken on a consistent if not daily basis.
When a couple gets married, they make a covenant with another person and vow before God to love, honor, and cherish – for better or worse.
Vow – n. a solemn promise, pledge, or personal commitment
Within those vows there is an assumption that each person will be treated with respect and treated with kindness and grace. What happens when a husband begins to assault his wife with punches or lashes out verbally calling her names and belittling her on a regular basis? Has he broken those vows to love and cherish? Absolutely.
{Women can be just as guilty as men, but for the purposes of this article I’ll be discussing this from a wife’s standpoint.}
- What if a man spends every night sitting in a dark room in front of his computer looking at pornography and never looks twice at his wife or has a kind word to say to her?
- What if a husband is extremely controlling and blows up every time his wife “disobeys” or simply makes a mistake?
- What if a husband is so controlling that he won’t let her lock the bathroom door, check the mail, have any money, or drive the car?
- What if a husband calls his wife names, belittles her in front of the children, yells at her for no reason, and emotionally abuses her for years?
- What if a husband treats his wife with disdain during the day and expects her to be his sex kitten at night?
- What if a husband never pays the bills or never pays them on time leaving his wife and children without electricity or water on a regular basis? What if he neglects to take care of his family?
- What if he pins her down until she screams or whispers hateful words in her ear over and over again until she feels like dying?
- What if a husband has an emotional affair at the office but never takes the woman to bed? What if he does take her to bed?
Does God expect a wife to endure until the end no matter how much it hurts?
I’ve had almost all of those things happen to me. I can’t say I was a perfect wife. I was young and emotionally unprepared for marriage. But when I finally made the decision to leave I knew that if I didn’t leave I would never be whole. I thought about suicide a lot.
For a “well meaning Christian” to judge any woman and say she should stay in a miserable marriage without considering her personal circumstances is unfair.
I can’t imagine how different my life would have been had I stayed.
I remarried a man who was broken, who needed healing, but who loves the Lord and loves his family with all of his heart. I married a good man who loves me. God has richly blessed my life after my divorce. I am so thankful my three children from my first marriage have a step-father who loves them and who takes care of them and who teaches them about God.
Is adultery the only Biblical reason for divorce?
You would hear most Christians adamantly agree that adultery is the only grounds for divorce sanctioned by God and that any other reason for divorce is sinful. But is that what the Bible actually says?
Does God not care for the woman beaten with fists every night? Does God not care for the woman who listens to hate spewing her way everyday? Does He care more about sex and the sexual needs of a husband than he does for the heart of the wife? For the woman who is emotionally abused or physically abused, telling her that she is never to deny her husband of his sexual pleasure is heartless.
Deuteronomy 24:1,2 says, “When a man hath taken a wife, and married her, and it come to pass that she find no favour in his eyes, because he hath found some uncleanness in her: then let him write her a bill of divorcement, and give it in her hand, and send her out of his house. And when she is departed out of his house, she may go and be another man’s wife.” KJV
Let’s look at the New Living Translation of the same verses: “Suppose a man marries a woman but she does not please him. Having discovered something wrong with her, he writes her a letter of divorce, hands it to her, and sends her away from his house. When she leaves his house, she is free to marry another man.”
So, for a divorce to be lawful in God’s sight, there must be a written document stating the divorce has taken place. In other words, the divorce needs to be legal if the man or woman wants to remarry otherwise they would be committing adultery in their new marriage because they weren’t really divorced.
But note that with a legal divorce document in hand, the divorcee was free to remarry.
Deuteronomy doesn’t even say that the reason for divorce has to be adultery. A husband can divorce his wife if he found something unpleasing or wrong with her. Maybe they really don’t get along well. Whatever. The point being, he could divorce her because he wanted to.
But what about Matthew 5:31,32?
I’m glad you asked. Let’s take a look at the King James Version:
“It hath been said, Whosoever shall put away his wife, let him give her a writing of divorcement: but I say to you that everyone who divorces his wife, except for the reason of unchastity, makes her commit adultery; and whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery.”
New International Version:
“It has been said, ‘Anyone who divorces his wife must give her a certificate of divorce.’ But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, makes her the victim of adultery, and anyone who marries a divorced woman commits adultery.”
Obviously, this sounds like adultery is the only Biblical reason for divorce. So, let’s take a look at the verse again, paying special attention to the words put away and divorce.
“It hath been said, Whosoever shall put away his wife, let him give her a writing of divorcement: but I say to you that everyone who divorces his wife, except for the reason of unchastity, makes her commit adultery; and whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery.”
In the original Greek language, the words for put away and divorce are two different words.
put away = apolyō
divorce = apostasion
However, when they translated the Greek into English, they used the words interchangeably. So, let’s look at the verse again:
“It hath been said, Whosoever shall put away [apolyo] his wife, let him give her a writing of divorcement: but I say to you that everyone who divorces [apolyo] his wife, except for the reason of unchastity, makes her commit adultery; and whoever marries a divorced [apolyo] woman commits adultery.”
Notice that the Greek word in each instance is for put away which basically means “separate.” So, in other words, Jesus was saying that a man who “puts away” or separates from his wife without a legal written divorce makes her commit adultery because if she remarries someone else she’s still legally married to her first husband.
The punishment for adultery was not divorce but death. A spouse caught in adultery was stoned to death.
God Divorced Israel
Did you know that God divorced Israel? Divorce in and of itself is not sin. God followed the law in Deuteronomy 24 by giving Israel a legal written certificate of divorce.
“I gave faithless Israel her certificate of divorce and sent her away because of all her adulteries. Yet I saw that her unfaithful sister Judah had no fear; she also went out and committed adultery.” Jeremiah 3:8 NIV.
Israel committed spiritual adultery. Rather than worshiping the One True God, they gave their hearts over to other idols. Just like Jesus said, “But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” Matthew 5:28 NIV.
You can commit adultery in your marriage without ever touching another man. It begins in the heart.
There is no doubt that many people end up in divorce for selfish reasons. We live in a world where “self” is number one. But there are times when a marriage will never heal because in order for a marriage to heal and be fruitful both the husband and the wife must desire to seek out God and change themselves. I believe with all of my heart that God can work miracles and divorce should be seen as a last resort measure.
Many, many women suffer in marriages where the husband has no desire to be a good provider or a loving husband.
If you are a woman who is suffering in a difficult marriage, I want you to know that God loves you very much. He knows your pain and he knows your heartache. I hope and pray that you and your husband can find healing from the One who is able to heal all broken hearts.
Enabling Sin
When the man you are married to hurts you – whether it be verbally, emotionally, or even by having an affair – it’s perfectly acceptable and even right to forgive. Every marriage requires hearts ready to forgive. And often.
But there is a difference in forgiving someone and allowing them to continue abusing your loving heart, your willingness to forgive, and your desire to believe that things will change. That he will change.
“But if anyone does not provide for his own, and especially for those of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.” 1 Timothy 5:8 NASB.
If you are being physically or emotionally abused; if you are married to a compulsive liar; if you are married to a man who repeatedly commits adultery; if you are in a situation that feels desperate, I want you to know I’ve been there and I understand. Pray hard. Love as much as you can. But don’t feel like God will punish you if you feel it’s time to end your marriage.
God is a God of Mercy. His love is immeasurable. He can heal broken hearts after divorce and He can bless you abundantly despite your circumstances.
Help for Marriages in Crisis
I mentioned before that divorce should be considered a last resort option. Before making a decision that will change the course of your life and impact your children, pray and ask God to help you reconcile your issues whether it be through counseling, reading a book, or learning to communicate better. If you are in a situation where any type of abuse is occurring, I urge you to seek help immediately from a trusted friend.
- National Institute of Marriage
- Pure Intimacy
- Focus on the Family Counselors
- Boundaries in Marriage by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend
- Boundaries in Marriage Workbook by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend
- Beyond Boundaries: Learning to Trust Again in Relationships by Dr. John Townsend
- Non-Negtiables for Effective and Biblical Abuse Ministry
- Sexual Abuse in Marriage: Recognizing and dealing with sexual abuse in marriage by D. Anne Pierce
- Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundt Bancroft
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