When “Pray Harder” isn’t the Answer
The church as a whole has failed married women who are hurting.
I frequently receive emails or blog comments like this one:
“Hi I’ve been married for 13 years and I’m struggling because I believe I am emotionally abused every time I want to talk about anything or anytime my husband is in a bad mood I am attacked with false accusations and he justifies all the hurtful things he says. He’s always been this way. I did everything God has asked me to do and because of that he has come to the Lord. He has changed somewhat with less outbursts & rage. But, I Believe he is very emotionally immature and it’s impossible to talk to him even using the correct approach such as “I feel this ” & so on.
At this point I’ve been praying even harder and my feelings I have for him I’m ashamed to admit. I feel I can’t stand him and I see him as an enemy. But I’m still trying to be nice despite how I feel. I know that is what God wants and I know why. There has been a lot of emotional and verbal abuse to his step kids (my oldest 2 kids). And yes I forgave that but there has been times that his ugly character would come out and he would snap at them and their feelings of hate toward him come up again. I would talk to him and mention that I think that he needs to talk to them and he would snap at me and say he has already apologized numerous times (which isn’t the case). It’s too hard for him to talk & apologize.
Meanwhile this is what he calls me “judging him”. I just want the peace. We are in marital counseling finally only because his pastor has told him to. Long story is he talked to my friend a few times without me knowing and I found out and was devastated. He realized it was wrong and he reached out to his counselor. I looked for consoling, reassurance, & love from him he acted like (from his words) that I asked way too much and didn’t know what I wanted. Trust me. I was clear. I needed to know his love for me. I’m scared. I can’t talk about anything with him.
And our Christian counselor is focused on Him feeling safe when I am he one that needs to feel safe. Counselor also has read scripture that I need to obey etc… I know all about doing that. But this is not the issues. Other things counselor has said has really taken me back. Not once has counselor read scripture on how the husband should Not be harsh. Help.”
Abuse has so many faces. For the abused Christian woman who is told that divorce is a sin and that she needs to be submissive and obey her husband and that if her marriage isn’t good she needs to work on making herself better and pray harder…
It’s just wrong.
I’ve been reading a book titled: Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft and it’s been eye opening for me.
There are times when praying more or “harder” is not the answer. A woman who is being abused – whether physically, verbally, or emotionally – can’t change herself enough to make the abuse stop.
I am not suggesting that prayer isn’t powerful or that a woman should stop praying altogether. But, I am suggesting that a woman who is being abused needs help from outside sources and that prayer alone is not enough.
related: Emotional Abuse is Not Okay
The church {not a particular denomination, but rather the body of Christ as a whole} often tells a woman that she should seek out help if she is being physically abused. However, if a woman is faced with frequent verbal, emotional, and psychological abuse she is told that she needs to pray more and seek out counseling.
In the book, Why Does He Do That?, Bancroft says:
“Abuse of women in relationships touches an unimaginable number of lives. Even if we leave aside cases of purely verbal and mental abuse and just look at physical violence, the statistics are shocking: 2 to 4 million women are assaulted by their partners per year in the United States. The U.S. Surgeon General has declared that attacks by male partners are the number one cause of injury to women between the ages of fifteen and forty-four. The American Medical Association reports that one woman out of three will be a victim of violence by a husband or boyfriend at some point in her life… The abuse of women send shock waves through the lives of children as well. Experts estimate that 5 million children per year witness an assault on their mothers, an experience that can leave them traumatized.” Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft, pp. 7, 8.
Reading these statistics breaks my heart. How can this be happening? Bancroft goes on to say:
“As alarming as this picture is, we also know that physical assaults are just the beginning of the abuse that women may be subjected to. There are millions more women who have never been beaten but who live with repeated verbal assaults, humiliation, sexual coercion, and other forms of psychological abuse, often accompanied by economic exploitation. The scars from mental cruelty can be as deep and long-lasting as wounds from punches or slaps but often are not as obvious. In fact, even among women who have experienced violence from a partner, half or more report that the man’s emotional abuse is what is causing them the greatest harm.” p. 8
If you are a woman who is silently suffering from any form of abuse, there is hope and healing for you. God does not expect you to endure a life of torment. As a church we need to be supporting women who are faced with any form of abuse with love and encouragement. The shame and guilt placed on a woman’s shoulders when she is facing a life of cruelty or the hard decision of divorce isn’t right. We need to be helping these women and holding their husbands’ accountable for their own actions.
“Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves, for the rights of all who are destitute. Speak up and judge fairly; defend the rights of the poor and needy.” Proverbs 31: 8,9
In his book, Bancroft says that he never recommends couples counseling in cases where there is abuse. He says,
“The message to you from couples counseling is: ‘You can make your abusive partner behave better toward you by changing how you behave toward him.’ Such a message is, frankly, fraudulent. Abuse is not caused by bad relationship dynamics. You can’t manage your partner’s abusiveness by changing your behavior… If you have issues you would like to work on with a couples counselor, wait until your partner has been completely abuse-free for two years. Then you might be able to work on some of the problems that are mutual ones.
“Couples counseling can end up being a big setback for the abused woman. The more she insists that her partner’s cruelty or intimidation needs to be addressed, the more she may find the therapist looking down at her saying, ‘It seems like you are determined to put all the blame on him and are refusing to look at your part in this.’ The therapist thereby inadvertently echoes the abuser’s attitude, and the woman is forced to deal with yet another context in which she has to defend herself, which is the last thing she needs.” pp. 352, 353
He also says earlier in the book:
“The difference between the verbally abusive man and the physical batterer are not as great as many people believe. The behavior of either style of abuser grows from the same roots and is driven by the same thinking. Men in either category follow similar processes of change in overcoming abusiveness – if they do change, which unfortunately is not common.” p. 8
Most abusers do not change.
Praying harder for an abusive husband to change or for you to be better wife isn’t the answer. More often than not, divorce is the only way to make the abuse stop. Enabling a man to continue sinning against his wife isn’t Biblical.
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