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When Your Husband is Critical + Signs of Emotional Abuse in Marriage @ AVirtuousWoman.org

Q & A: When Your Husband is Critical

From oppression and violence he redeems their life, and precious is their blood in his sight. Psalm 72:14

This post may contain affiliate links. You can read my disclosure policy here.

This is an important post. Marriage is hard enough without one spouse being overly critical of the other. Today I’m answering a reader’s question and talking about what to do when your husband is critical of everything you do.

When Your Husband is Critical + Signs of Emotional Abuse in Marriage @ AVirtuousWoman.org

I received this comment the other day and rather than just answer it in the comments, I decided it deserved it’s own post.

Q: Hi Melissa! I hope you are well! In regard to being the Proverbs 31 wife, I have a husband who is very critical of everything I do. He says he is “just playing,” but nonetheless, it hurts. I feel as if I can’t do anything right, and compliments are few and far between. I am tired of being disrespected by him that I am considering leaving. What would you suggest? You are so wise about this… Thank you!

A: My heart breaks when I get questions like this. You might be surprised to know the number of emails and comments I receive from women who are struggling with these kinds of issues – or maybe you wouldn’t be.

Unfortunately, this is a far too common problem.

But before I begin, I want you to know that whatever your husband says critical to you – it’s not about you, it’s about him.

Remember, your happiness is yours. He is not the source of your happiness. This is, of course, much easier said than done. But, it’s important to separate yourself from the situation.

You don’t need to feel bad about yourself just because he wants you to feel bad about yourself. Unfortunately I know all too well how much negative talk can beat you down and wear away your self esteem – especially after years of enduring constant criticism.

The words we say matter.

“Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.” Ephesians 4:29

“Be not rash with your mouth, nor let your heart be hasty to utter a word before God, for God is in heaven and you are on earth. Therefore let your words be few.” Ecclesiastes 5:2

God’s Word tells us to use our words to lift each other up! When your husband is critical and overly so, he’s tearing you down and not honoring God.

When Your Husband is Critical

What concerned me the most about your question is that you said you feel like you can’t do anything right. This sounds like a very unhealthy dynamic to me.

Here are a few questions you can ask yourself if your husband is critical:

  • Is he otherwise, kind, funny, and thoughtful?
  • Has he recently become critical?
  • Does the negativity seem out of character to his behavior in the past?
  • Has the criticism gotten worse over the years?
  • Is he like that with everyone? Or just you?
  • Is he depressed and unhappy?
  • Is he controlling in other areas of your relationship?
  • Do other people see him as kind and loving but at home he’s different?

Let’s talk about a few ways you can try to deal with a critical husband before you consider leaving. If your husband has always been this way, that may be a sign he’s not going to change. However, let’s assume he doesn’t know what he’s doing for a moment.

If the behavior is new or a recent change, he may be struggling with stress, depression, or something else.

#1 Pray for Your Husband

The first step to solving any problem is to cover it in prayer. Pray for your husband’s eyes to be opened and for his heart to be changed.

I suspect you have already prayed about this problem. But either way, it’s important to continue to pray for your husband and your relationship. Ask God to show you exactly what you need to do.

#2 Talk to your Husband

It’s important to share your feelings with your husband. He needs to know his words hurt.

In a healthy relationship, you can talk about your feelings and issues you’re having without fear of being shut down, criticized, or blamed.

If your husband cares about your feelings, he will be willing to hear how you feel when he says negative words to you. You can begin the conversation something like this:

  • I feel belittled when you talk down to me.
  • I feel discouraged when you criticize how I clean the house.
  • I feel hurt when you tell me I’m not raising the kids right.
  • I feel sad when you yell at me for being late with dinner.
  • I feel bad about myself when you mention my weight.

It’s important when having a healthy discussion with your spouse that you keep the focus on your feelings instead of the blame. Stay calm and use a calm tone of voice. You don’t want your spouse to feel attacked. Instead, you want him to understand how you feel. You want him to feel empathy and see the need to be more positive and kind.

Three points to make:

  • how you feel
  • why you feel the way you feel
  • what he could do/say instead

You can ask him if he’s feeling stressed or depressed about something that is causing him to react more negatively. His reaction to your conversation is a good indicator of what’s really going on.

In an unhealthy relationship, when you try to discuss how you feel about something (like his being critical of you), you will find that he denies the behavior, blames you, twists your words, or somehow makes the discussion about you and your behavior instead of his behavior. Or, he may try to say you’re just as critical as he is.

Criticism Can Destroy a Marriage

When a husband is critical of his wife, it can be incredibly hurtful.

” In a healthy relationship, a couple would naturally offer advice or suggestions to the other. This would be based on a healthy interdependence in which each one would influence the other, with love. Criticism, on the other hand, tears a person down while remaining nonproductive in resolving marital issues.” – Neil J Lavender Ph.D. at Psychology Today

If your spouse was not always critical of you and has fallen into a pattern of negative behavior, it can be a sign that they are very unhappy with themselves or other things happening in their life.

Talking with a counselor to determine the root cause for the behavior could be a good idea if your husband wants to work on your marriage and admits he has a problem.

When Criticism is Abusive

I’ve written about emotional abuse before and it’s something I’m very passionate about since I’ve experienced many different forms of abuse in my lifetime. How can you know if his criticism is emotionally abusive?

The first test would be to ask yourself if he takes responsibility for his behavior or if he denies he did anything wrong. A husband who truly wants the best for you and your marriage will not place all of the blame on you, but will accept some responsibility and be willing to work on change.

Note: I want to point out that this works both ways – wives are often abusive to their husbands as well.

Emotional Abuse can include:

  • belittling and critical words
  • blatant disrespect and covert disrespect
  • pointing out your every flaw
  • never complimenting you, but always tearing you down
  • wanting to control how you do things
  • making jokes about you that don’t feel funny
  • making you feel bad about yourself
  • making you feel shamed

When you feel like you can’t do anything right, your self image begins to erode and you begin to second guess yourself. It can lead to depression, feelings of shame, and hopelessness.

I’ll talk more about how to know if you are in an emotionally abusive relationship in just a moment, but first let’s talk about practical things you can do to improve your situation right now.

Healthy Boundaries in Marriage

Healthy boundaries are so very important. They are important for every kind of relationship and especially important in marriage.

What are healthy boundaries?

Healthy boundaries allow both people in a relationship to feel safe, comfortable, and loved. Healthy boundaries make it possible for you to develop a healthy, positive self esteem.

You can think of healthy boundaries kind of like a fence. Let’s look at this analogy.

If you think of yourself like a house, your boundaries are the fence around that house. The yard inside that fence would be things like your feelings, your thoughts, your actions, the things you do and feel and say.

You are responsible for maintaining your own yard, inside your own fence. No one else is responsible for your yard. Now, your husband also has a yard and a fence. He is responsible for his own yard – his feelings, his actions, his thoughts. The fence around his yard would his boundaries.

What happens when someone jumps your fence and tramples all over your flower garden? They have violated your boundaries.

The problem with boundaries is that many of us haven’t learned how to have healthy boundaries in our relationships.

I want you to remember this: You are not responsible for anyone else’s feelings, thoughts, actions, or reactions. You are only responsible for your own feelings, thoughts, actions, and reactions.

What do I mean?

If you do something that another person doesn’t like, you are not responsible for how they react, how they feel about it, or any action they take. For example, if you say no to a request because it makes you uncomfortable, you don’t have time, or it violates your boundaries in some way, you are not responsible for that person feeling disappointed, you are not responsible if they get angry, you are not responsible if they act out.

“For each will have to bear his own load.” Galatians 6:5 ESV

How do you create healthy boundaries?

Healthy boundaries are created when you speak the truth in love.

Example #1

So, for instance, let’s say your husband comes home from work and he’s immediately dissatisfied with the way the house looks when he gets home. He doesn’t take into consideration how exhausted you are from taking care of a sick baby all day. He comes in and says, “Wow. The house looks like a tornado hit it. What did you even do all day?”

You can calmly say, “When you say that, it makes me feel like a failure. You don’t know that the baby didn’t nap and I had no time to do anything except hold her all day. I know you’re disappointed that the house is a mess, but you are not allowed to talk to me with disdain.”

Example #2

Your husband comes home and says, “Why did you cook pasta again for supper? I’m so sick of pasta.”

You can calmly say, “I didn’t know you were tired of pasta. I’m sorry you feel that way. But you are not allowed to talk down to me and make me feel bad when I cooked dinner for you.”

Example #3

Your husband says, “I hate the way you clean the kitchen. I’ve told you I want you to do it a certain way.”

You can calmly say, “I worked hard to clean the kitchen. You are not allowed to criticize my cleaning routine.”


Okay, so I don’t know what your specific marriage looks like or how your husband is specifically critical of you. But I hope these examples give you an idea of how you can insist he respect you when he speaks to you. It’s important when establishing boundaries that you do your best to be consistent. Respond the same way each time.

Now, the problem is when you state your boundaries and he still doesn’t respect them. If he continues to disrespect your boundaries and requests for positive interactions, you may have to remove yourself from the situation when he fails to respect your boundaries.

What does it mean to remove yourself from the situation?

Removing yourself from the situation can mean a few different things and only you can decide which option is best for you.

  1. Leave the room. Tell him calmly why you are leaving the room.
  2. Leave the house. In some cases, leaving the house for a period of separation can create a crisis point and cause him to make the decision to change his behavior.
  3. Leave the marriage. In truly abusive situations, the abuser will rarely change. In these cases, divorce may be the best option. You can read my post, Biblical Grounds for Divorce.

Are you in an abusive marriage?

If your husband is critical and has a habit of putting you down all the time, you may be in an abusive marriage and not even realize it. Many women don’t realize they are being abused because their husbands don’t hit them or use physical force against them.

But verbal and emotional abuse in Christian marriages is more prevalent that you might imagine. Natalie Hoffman, author of the book Is It Me? Making Sense of Your Confusing Marriage, says:

“But emotional abuse? Is that even a thing? It is absolutely a thing. It is the most common type of abuse, and it is rampant in our churches. Why? Because it is the most hidden, unrecognizable, and untraceable of all the abuse tactics. Often, the victim is completely unaware that she is in an abusive relationship, and the abuser is in such complete denial that he is unable to see how destructive his behaviors are to his partner.” The One Sure Sign You are in an Emotionally Abusive Relationship, FlyingFreeNow.com

“Verbal abuse happens out of nowhere in a relationship. It’s a lot more calculating and insidious, causing people on the receiving end to question themselves, wonder if they are overreacting, or even blame themselves. Verbal abuse usually happens in private where no one else can intervene and eventually becomes a regular form of communication within a relationship.” – Jade Anna Hughes, 11 Common Patterns of Verbal Abuse

Signs of verbal and emotional abuse include but may not be limited to:

  • belittling and degradation
  • constant criticism
  • negating your feelings
  • making fun, poking fun
  • making jokes that are hurtful and not funny
  • domination, control, and shame
  • blaming you for everything
  • not taking responsibility
  • silent treatment, aloof behavior
  • yelling, screaming, and “blowing up”
  • feeling like you need to “walk on eggshells”

Books to Read about Verbal and Emotional Abuse

Is It Me? Making Sense of Your Confusing Marriage: A Christian Woman's Guide to Hidden Emotional and Spiritual Abuse

The Emotionally Destructive Marriage: How to Find Your Voice and Reclaim Your Hope

Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

Should I Stay or Should I Go?: A Guide to Knowing if Your Relationship Can--and Should--be Saved

What to Do If You are in an Abusive Marriage?

  1. Know that you are not alone. There are people who care.
  2. Find someone to talk to. Often, your pastor or other church members will not be the best people to talk to. I would encourage you to call a women’s shelter or talk to a trusted friend who has your back. If they don’t believe you, talk to someone else.
  3. Do not go to counseling with your abuser. Find a counselor who specializes in abuse and go alone. I probably would not recommend a Bible counselor or counselor at your church.
  4. If your counselor or anyone you talk to suggests you could make the abuse stop if you would improve your own behavior so as to “not upset him” find a different person to talk to.
  5. Remember that God loves you very, very much and He doesn’t want you to be abused.
  6. If you are in a dangerous situation, please get help. You can call the National Domestic Abuse Hotline at: 1-800-799-7233

Other posts I’ve written on this topic:

  • Anger and Emotional Abuse Within Christian Marriages
  • Emotional Abuse
  • When “Pray Harder” isn’t the Answer
  • Biblical Grounds for Divorce

Do you have any questions about marriage or abuse you’d like to have me answer? Let me know your thoughts in the comments below.

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About Melissa Ringstaff

My name is Melissa Ringstaff and I've been blogging here at A Virtuous Woman since 2001. I'm a pastor's wife and homeschooling mom living in the beautiful Appalachian Mountains of Southeastern KY. I believe in finding freedom from perfection and living life with purpose and I want to help you do exactly that.

I'm so glad you've stopped by to visit with me. I hope we can be friends!

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Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. Cee

    September 24, 2020 at 8:53 am

    Hi Melissa. I have been in an abusive relationship in the past, and I can say, I am still happily married to the same man. There are two sides to every story, and what we call abuse may be a pointer to other deep seated issues we have. Yes, it's good to be assertive to the abuser, but it's also important to see if there's some truth in what they say. Advising someone to go to people who will only validate their feeling of being victimized doesn't really help. Because it's good to hear both sides and then take a critical look at ourselves and seek out ways to improve ourselves. It's also important to realize that sometimes we overreact to critical words because we have self-esteem issues. Yes, critical words, especially from our spouse can worsen low self esteem, but if we learn to stop letting anybody's criticism define us, we'll save ourselves unnecesary heartache and possibly save our marriages. So my take on it, if there's any truth in the critisms, make the necessary adjustments; if the criticism is excessive, be firm in stating your stand, but do it in a way that you avoid strife. Winning a point and seeking validation is not worth breaking up a marriage and a family, so let Love win.
    Reply
    • Melissa Ringstaff

      September 24, 2020 at 9:28 am

      Cee, I understand your point of view. However, I'm not sure you fully understood what I wrote. If you read the entire post, you can see that I did not recommend breaking up the marriage unless there is abuse happening. It has been proven to be dangerous for a wife in an abusive situation to go to counseling with her spouse. When you are being abused, there is NOTHING you can do to change your behavior or be good enough to make the abuse stop. If you visit a counselor who is does not specialize in domestic abuse, the wife will very often be victimized again in the counselors office when they tell her to change her own behavior. When you are being abused, you HAVE tried to live up to their expectations. You HAVE tried to do everything like they want to avoid confrontation. But nothing you do is good enough. There is a difference. I specifically laid out how to establish healthy boundaries in this article for that reason as well as how to have a healthy discussion with your husband about your feelings. I also talked about how to know if the criticism is abusive or not. An abusive spouse will not take responsibility for their hurtful behavior. There is a difference between constant criticism and constructive advice as I quoted from the doctor on Psychology Today. Divorce is the last option and very often the only thing that will make abuse stop. Abuse victims are often unaware of the fact that they are being abused. They also don't always want to believe their harmful relationship is abusive. The husband is not bad all of the time so how can he be a bad person? When women are abused, they experience something known as cognitive dissonance where they are faced with two realities - one reality being that their husband is a nice guy. The other reality being he's mean. It confuses the brain and makes it very difficult to understand what is happening in their marriage. It's not about validating a woman's feelings of being victimized. I can assure you that a woman who has been a victim of emotional abuse has already looked carefully at her own short comings and tried to change them. It's not enough to tell a woman who is being abused to "not let his words affect your self esteem." Studies have shown that emotional abuse is often even more harmful that physical abuse and the trauma actually etches scars on the brain. I appreciate your comments and am very glad you are now in a healthy, happy relationship.
      Reply
      • Michelle

        September 24, 2020 at 11:31 am

        Correct, Melissa. I've also heard it put this way...it's distinguishing between a difficult relationship (of which grounds for divorce are not given), and a destructive one, where there are grounds for divorce. I had the latter, and I have been set free from a covert abusive relationship. I gained immense support from Natalie's Flying Free group and from Leslie's Conquer group. I am forever thankful for the kindness, acceptance and validation I received from many other women in those groups who experienced the same thing. So grateful to you for truthfully addressing this issue!
      • Melissa Ringstaff

        September 24, 2020 at 7:50 pm

        Michelle, I'm so glad you found your way out of a destructive, abusive relationship. Natalie and Leslie are amazing women and offer amazing resources for women who are hurting.
  2. Lauren

    November 1, 2020 at 3:07 pm

    Melissa, I deeply appreciate this post, the apparent work that you’re engaged in and your response to the commenter who made one of the common mistakes when speaking to (potential) victims of abuse. You pointed this out in recommendation #4. Your response was perfectly compassionate and unyielding.
    Reply
    • Melissa Ringstaff

      November 1, 2020 at 9:47 pm

      Thank you for your kind words! It's such an important topic. More people need to be aware and understand.
      Reply

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Not gonna lie. 2020 was a hard year. And not just Not gonna lie. 2020 was a hard year. And not just because there was a pandemic. Our family has faced many trying times in the past but 2020 gave us some doozies.  I’m looking forward to a new year. The beginning of the new year always feels like a fresh start to me. It feels like HOPE.  But the truth is, whatever heartaches and hardships you and I were facing on Dec. 31 will most likely still be there on Jan. 1.  That’s why it’s hard to keep New Years resolutions. It’s easy to feel motivated for a few days or a couple weeks until we realize life hasn’t really changed and things are still hard.  But if we want to see real change it takes hard work and real effort. It takes showing up every day - even when it’s hard.  Whether that means working on your fractured relationships or setting healthy boundaries or cultivating self disciple... whatever that hard thing is that you need to work on ... it will only get better if you work on it.  We aren’t promised an easy life. But we are promised an “Ever Present Help in times of trouble.” Psalm 46:1  *
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We’re coming into the new year with all the same We’re coming into the new year with all the same problems we had in the last year. And that’s okay! Life doesn’t have to be perfect to still be amazing. Perfectionism is a joy stealer. Let’s determine to enjoy life right now in all its messiness.  I believe you can find freedom from perfection and the confidence to live your life with purpose. #purposenotperfection  #christian #Jesus #love #quotes #quoteslife #quotestoliveby #godisgood #votd #lifequotes #inspirationalquotes #life #motivationalquotes #inspiration #bible #bb #bestoftheday #happiness #wordofgod
🏠 Being a homemaker is such an important role. 🏠 Being a homemaker is such an important role. It’s a ministry to your family and all who enter your home.  But I want you to know: You don’t have to be perfect. ❤️  There’s a fine line between teaching your children to be neat and insisting on perfection. No one can meet that kind of standard and it can be detrimental to the emotional health of your family.  What we want for our homes is to provide a space that is neat and clean enough that your family and friends feel comfortable and well loved.  There is freedom in accepting the fact that you’re not perfect. Not to make excuses for slovenliness - but to give yourself grace.  It’s when we recognize our weakness that we find ourselves reaching out to Jesus to receive the power that comes only from him. As homemakers, when we can find grace for the moment when we accept His Gift.  “But now for a brief moment grace has been shown from the LORD our God, to leave us an escaped remnant and to give us a peg in His holy place, that our God may enlighten our eyes and grant us a little reviving in our bondage. Ezra 9:8  Let His Grace wash over you, cleanse your weary heart. Homemaking isn’t about creating a perfect space. It’s about creating a home where loved ones feel cared for and nurtured. 
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❤️Your attitude about homemaking matters.⠀
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A homemaker by definition is someone who manages and makes a home. 🏠⠀
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But, anyone can clean and organize a home. ⠀
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☑️ Homemaking is about more than checking off the items on your to do list.⠀
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Learning how to be a homemaker means you learn how to make your home feel like haven of peace and love. You seek out ways to make your home feel inviting. You work at it.⠀
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There is no easy button for homemaking. There are easier, more efficient ways to do chores, but the chores still have to be done. If you live in a house, you will create the need for the house to be tidied every day and cleaned on a regular basis.⠀
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Having the right attitude about homemaking is the first step in learning how to be a homemaker.⠀
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The good news is, even if you’ve been struggling with your homemaking, you can always go to God and ask Him for help. ⠀
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He sees the unseen work of your hands. And He loves you very, very much. He wants to help you succeed. ⠀
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#proverbs31 #proverbs31woman #purpose31 #10virtues #homemaking #homemakingministries #happyhomemaking #homemaking101 #cleanhome #cleanheart #fromchaostocalm #housekeeping #cleaningroutine #inspiredhome #makingahome #lovewhereyoudwell #homemaker #homebody #biblicalHomemaking  #youngwife #housewife
🙏 If you’ve found it difficult to have a regu 🙏 If you’ve found it difficult to have a regular time with Jesus every day, you’re not alone. Lots of busy Christian women struggle to find time for a daily prayer and devotion time. ⠀
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But I still want to encourage you to start your day with God! ⠀
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⏰ If it’s hard to spend 30 minutes in the morning for a quiet time, I want you to remember you can still begin your day with God – even if that means saying a short prayer before your feet hit the floor in the morning.⠀
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✝️ I also want to encourage you to memorize this verse:⠀
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“Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you.⠀
Show me the way I should go, for to you I entrust my life.” Psalm 143:8 📖⠀
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In the morning you can recite this verse and say a prayer. It doesn’t have to take a long time. Although – if you do have time – you will be greatly blessed by spending more time in prayer and devotion.⠀
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📌 Free Printable Morning Prayer Prompts on the blog today: https://avirtuouswoman.org/morning-prayer-prompts/  #linkinbio ⠀
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🏠 As a homemaker, one of my goals is to be inte 🏠 As a homemaker, one of my goals is to be intentional with how I plan our days. I love any opportunity to create a good memories at home for my family and guests. ⠀⠀
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📌 If you're looking to make this holiday season really special, you need to be intentional. Goodness knows 2020 has had a lot of ups and downs. And maybe you feel like it's been mostly downs. ⠀⠀
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🎄 But the holiday season is a chance to focus on celebrating the life we have right now. Things don't need to be perfect for us to celebrate life right now!!⠀⠀
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☑️ Inside the pages of my Purpose 31 holiday planner, you'll find 8 weeks of planning and cleaning all laid out for you. Recipe pages, journaling pages, and more - 120 pages total. ⠀⠀
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✏️ The Purpose 31 Holiday Planner is by far one of the most popular resource I produce each year. ⠀⠀
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Thousands of women have downloaded it over the last four years I've offered it.⠀⠀
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So, even though it's early still, you can go ahead and downlaod it. Print it out and then set it up so you're ready to go.⠀⠀
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I usually take my holiday planner down to Office Depot and have them spiral bind it with a plastic cover for about $5.00. This year, though, I just bought a new 3 ring binder at Walmart, printed off extra cover pages to slip in the clear sleeve, and created a binder with it. ⠀⠀
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📌📌📌 If you use the planner this year, be sure to share and tag me in your photos! ❤️⠀  Download: https://avirtuouswoman.org/holiday-planner/ #linkinbio
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#proverbs31 #proverbs31woman #purpose31 #10virtues #homemaking #homemakingministries #happyhomemaking #homemaking101 #cleanhome #cleanheart #fromchaostocalm #housekeeping #cleaningroutine #inspiredhome #makingahome #lovewhereyoudwell #homemaker #homebody #biblicalHomemaking #christmas #holidayplanning #planningaddict #plannercommunity #freeprintables #thanksgiving #christmastree  #plannerobsessed
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