Q & A: My Husband is Grumpy in the Mornings
Marriage can be hard and when you’re married to a man who seems to wake up grumpy everyday, it can be discouraging. Today I’m offering some ideas on what to do if your husband is often grumpy in the mornings and 5 tips to brighten your husband’s day.
When Your Husband is Grumpy
When I read Lisa’s comment on the post, In Perfect Peace, my heart went out to her. It’s tough when you are trying so hard to get things right and it just feels like – despite your best efforts – maybe things {or people} are still not ideal. We have to remember that when we are striving for peace in Jesus, Satan is going to come at us like a roaring lion. He wants to devour us with discouragement, frustration, or despair. We can’t let him win!
Lisa writes:
I have been setting my alarm but I still need to work on waking up happy. My alarm has been set for 6:30 but God has been waking me with energy around the same time or earlier than when my husband gets up for work. Would you think it a good idea to share what we are learning with our husband’s? My husband is very grumpy in the morning and has been very stressed almost border line depression.
Dear Lisa,
That’s wonderful that you’ve been waking up with energy! When life is hard – when marriage is hard – it can be a real challenge to find that peace and joy. Understandably so! Prayer is always our first line of defense, but sometimes along with prayer we need concrete solutions that we can work on.
Really, growing closer to Christ means we are working on ourselves. It’s not our job to change our husbands. It’s my job to change me. And in the process of changing our own attitude and mindset, we have the power to witness to our husbands so they might be changed as well.
1 Peter 3: 1-2 says, “Wives, in the same way submit yourselves to your own husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives.”
5 Tips to Brighten Your Husband’s Day
I don’t know your situation fully, so it’s hard for me to give exact advice, but I’ll share a few tips to help brighten your husband’s day.
1. Be gentle. When talking to your husband about his grumpiness, you’re likely to be met with resistance. Especially if it’s perceived that you’re is pointing out his failures – i.e. “You’re grumpy in the mornings and it ruins my day.” If you can share something with him that doesn’t accuse him in the process – it might help – just be aware that you need to be very sensitive to how you word things. If he’s struggling with something emotionally or feeling depressed, confronting him in frustration and anger won’t help,
2. Do you know why your husband has been very stressed/ depressed? Does it have to do with his work situation? Issues with extended family? Financial? Have you been having trouble in your marriage? What can you do to ease his mind?
3. Marriage is a familiar/ safe place and often means that when the world is against us the only “safe” place to vent that frustration is our spouse or family. This is sometimes people usually consciously decide, but it just happens. Whether or not you know why he’s stressed and grumpy, it can be helpful to disconnect yourself from his bad attitude and assume it’s not you that he’s really against.
4. Sometimes spouses fall into a habit of emotional abuse – not because they want to be abusive, but as a way of “protecting” their own hearts. Emotional abuse is not okay and there is no excuse for it. Having said that, depending on the situation, it is possible to move from habitual anger and verbal lashings to a marriage that is peaceful and happy once again. However, it can be a challenge and if you find yourself in this situation, you may need to find outside help. The book Boundaries in Marriage is a good one to read.
5. Sometimes in marriage we just need to put aside our own desires/ expectations for a little bit and look at our spouses the way Christ looks at us. Do you see your husband as a man who loves his family, who wants the best for them, who right now is struggling with some issue, who is broken and needs a Savior? Empathy is a good thing to have for your spouse.
In his book, Sacred Marriage, Gary Thomas asks these profound questions: “What if God’s primary intent for your marriage isn’t to make you happy. . . but holy? And what if your relationship isn’t as much about you and your spouse as it is about you and God?”
Makes you think, huh?
Ask yourself what you can do in the mornings to surprise him and help him have a great day.
- Wake up a little earlier and make him a hot breakfast if you’re not already doing that.
- Maybe you could wake him up with a back massage {or sex}.
- Tuck a love note in his lunch box or stick a love note on the steering wheel of his car.
- Text him a sweet note during the day while he’s at work.
- Maybe he feels less stressed if the house is neat and orderly when he comes home.
- Maybe he’d love to come home to his favorite supper, ready and waiting for him.
You know your husband best and what will brighten his day. It’s often the little things that really make the biggest difference in a marriage. For instance, I love it when my husband washes the dishes. I mean – it really makes me happy and it’s such a small thing. My husband loves it when I do his laundry and hang his dress shirts up to dry after fluffing them in the dryer for 15 minutes.
Being thoughtful to our husbands is showing selfless love. And selfless love heals brokenness.
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