Q & A: Structuring the Day for a Toddler
By Melissa Ringstaff
Q: Melissa, Thanks so much for your reply. I haven’t tried a more structured routine because I fear I cannot keep being consistent with it. He does spend a lot of time alone during the day as I tend my 1 yr old(nursing, changing, (etc.) I have never considered him being alone causing his independence, but I can see where it would. I do not feel an adequate mother because at times I do raise my voice(yell) and get irritated when I am interrupted. I feel pulled in a million directions and often resent the time I have to spend with all the responsibilities I have. Any advice on a good routine for a 3 1/2 yr old, with a still nursing on occasion 1 yr old? Thanks!!!
A: Dear Mom, Toddlers can be very trying or very rewarding. I remember when my son who is just about to turn 19 was 3 1/2 years old and I had a newborn baby girl. At the time I was very young and despite my best efforts I just didn’t know how to handle him. I have learned a lot since then! It’s too bad that sometimes our firstborn children don’t get the best of us.
A lot of things can affect the behavior of your toddler. A calm child is more likely to come from a calm home and vice versa. Keep in mind here, that there are exceptions to the rule! But generally this is the case.
Your three year old knows that when you sit down to nurse the baby that you are distracted. He also knows when you are distracted with other tasks whether it is changing a diaper, cooking a meal, cleaning the house, or reading a book. Three year olds naturally want to take advantage of the situation! Not only that, but three year olds want your attention, so if he is occupying himself for large portions of the day he is going to be harder to handle.
I know how easy it is to want to “escape” from reality by sitting down with a book, computer, television, etc. – ignoring the little tyke as he pulls all of the books off the shelf or gets into the refrigerator. You just want peace and quiet!
I also know how easy it is to feel like a three year old is a needy little monster who is sucking the life out of you. So, when you are trying to get your TO DO LIST accomplished, interruptions are not pleasant. You just want to get your stuff done and get on with your life!
Let me tell you though – I have been there and now that my 18 going on 19 year old is practically grown, I really wish I had taken more time to sit on the floor with him and listened to him talk to me, play with me, interact with me. In other words I wish I had spent more time being “present.” I was there, but my mind was elsewhere.
Thankfully, by the time he was school age I had a wake up call because I realized how fast my children were growing up and I have spent the last dozen years or more “being present.”
Jesus has given us the honor of being a mom. Our first and foremost ministry is not to our friends, it’s not to our church, it’s not to ourselves – it is to our family – our husbands and children. This time passes by soooo quickly! I know it seems like forever when all you feel is frustration and sorrow. But this will pass and you will wonder where the years went!!
It’s okay to take a time out from time to time and read a book or soak in the tub. And it is okay to insist that the house be kept neat and tidy. It is even good for your kids to know that responsibilities are important. But don’t forget that being there for your kids, paying attention to what they are doing – even when you’d rather be somewhere else – is in the end going to make everyone happier. Including yourself.
I often hear (and witness) moms who complain about their toddlers creating havoc in the home everyday. The child makes huge messes, throws temper tantrums, insists on having his way all the time. But my question is always this – what is Mom doing when little Timmy is making that huge mess?
If you are in the kitchen cooking supper and little Timmy is in the living room pulling all of the tape out of the VCR tapes – the problem does not lie with the child, it lies with the mom. She has allowed her little mischievous child to be alone for 30 minutes while she prepares the meal (which is a worthy endeavor). Rather than allowing him unsupervised access to the living room (or any other part of the house) put up a gate and insist he stay in the kitchen with you while you cook. Then, give him activities to keep him busy.For instance:
- give him a drawer of pots or toy dishes he can play with
- feed him grapes or carrot stick while he waits for supper
- pull out a special coloring book reserved just for that same time each day
- let him tear up lettuce for the salad, stir the cornbread batter, or shake the “Shake and Bake”
If your toddler helps himself to the fridge every time you sit down to nurse the baby (or whatever), instead of letting him have free reign of the house, put up a gate and give him a box of blocks or other toy to play with. One of my favorite ideas is to make Activity Bags for your toddler. Get them out only when you nurse the baby or at the same time each day when you need to get a chore done.
So, my point is, toddlers are going to get into stuff, if for no other reason than to test your parenting skills!
Don’t leave them unattended! The other issue with leaving your child alone to occupy himself is the fact that is causes your child to feel insecure and unsure of himself. He realizes that the boundaries are too wide and what he really wants is structure and solid boundaries to keep him safe. Having reasonable rules and limits to what is acceptable behavior gives children a feeling of being loved and cared for.
Oh, and another note – a lot of moms don’t wake up before their children. Instead, little Timmy has to come and wake mommy up and ask for something to eat. Don’t be that kind of mom.
Here is a good routine for a mom with a toddler and infant:
6:00 am – Wake up. Have devotions and prayer time – if baby is away, nurse her during this time. Prepare Breakfast.
7:00 am – Wake up toddler. Make beds. Get dressed. Eat Breakfast. Morning Worship – sing some fun songs, have a Bible story, and pray.
8:00 am – Chore Time for Mom – Tidy kitchen & sweep, tidy bathrooms & wipe down sinks, start load of laundry,10 minute de-clutter. During this time you can do one of two things with the little ones – put the gate up and let them play with toys. Or let them watch PBS. I know television as a baby sitter [sigh]. It works.
9:00 am - Play time.
10:30 am – Snack time.
11:30 am – Pick up toys. Prepare lunch.
12:00 pm – Eat lunch. Tidy Kitchen.
1:00 pm – Playtime with Mommy.
2:00 pm - Nap/ Quiet time. Afternoon chores for Mommy – fold & put away clothes, mop floors, tidy house, etc.
4:00 pm – Play Outside time in good weather. Or Play Inside during bad weather, in which case at 4:45 have children pick up toys. Don’t just tell your toddler to clean up his toys. Work beside him. Also, having toys well organized makes this much easier. Teach your child from an early age to only get one toy out at a time. HUGE timesaver!
5:00 pm – Prepare supper.
6:00 pm – Eat supper.
7:00 pm – Family Worship.
7:30 pm – Bath time. Story time.
8:00 pm – Bed time for kids. Let me say that bedtimes can be really difficult. I still remember the frustration of putting my first three children to bed – the crying, the spankings – it was horrible. I wised up with my fourth and fifth kids. I laid down and snuggled with them. Those memories are precious to me – the conversations we had! The hugs and kisses! The sweet, happy bedtimes! I wouldn’t trade it for the world!
9:00 pm – Tidy kitchen. Prepare for tomorrow.
Once you do a routine everyday, your child will begin to know what to expect and when. Eating at about the same time is really helpful and can prevent a lot of temper tantrums caused by low blood sugar (hunger)! Patience in dealing with your children is really key – a calm mommy is more likely to have a calm baby/ child. If you always respond with a tense/ angry voice why should you expect any different from your child?
Don’t NOT try to get into a good solid routine just because you afraid of failing. Never forget that tomorrow is a new day! God can give you the strength to be the best mom possible for your children. It isn’t easy. Raising kids just isn’t. But it is worth every bit of effort!
Here’s an image you can pin to Pinterest or Facebook or share on your own blog:
{Photo Credit: Anna Brett}
What is your daily routine with a toddler like?
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Alisha
March 2, 2010 at 12:03 pm (1177 days ago)Wow! I just wanted to tell you how good this was for me to read, and I don’t even have nursing babies or toddlers anymore! I do, however, have a 4 year old (my youngest) who thinks he rules the roost whenever I get distracted. So, thanks for the awesome reply.
AND! I wanted to thank you for the Momma’s Day Planner! I won it from Heart of the Matter and I wasn’t sure how the proper “thank you” etiquette was for blogging. So, I will thank you here : Thank you very much!!!! And I will post a proper thanks on my blog and shamelessly plug A Virtuous Woman.
Thank you and keep up the good work.
Little Katie Coyote
March 4, 2010 at 6:30 am (1175 days ago)Thank you for these ideas!
Leslie
March 4, 2010 at 8:39 am (1175 days ago)Melissa,
Thanks so much for this reply!! It is so informative, and many of the techniques I can put to good use, such as putting up a gate. I have tried this in the past and he wasn’t very happy with it, so I always took it down. I know now I am the one who is in charge, not him!!! Will definitely try this routine! Thanks again!
Margaret
March 6, 2010 at 12:10 am (1174 days ago)I struggle with this constantly. I know well enough that my day will go so much better if I had better structure. Today was not a good day for me or the children. I have not had enough sleep this week, which made me very impatient and frustrated easily. I got up this morning and did things that I wanted to do for myself, rather than taking care of things that needed to be done. This led to problems and irritations for the rest of the day. Entirely my fault, but it was the kids who took the brunt of my frustration. Thank you for this post. I will be printing it and working much harder to gain some structure. I want to enjoy my children and the days that I spend with them, not have regrets at the end of the day.
Anna
December 13, 2010 at 11:37 am (891 days ago)Hallelujah, a schedule that works (presumably) with toddlers/preschoolers! I can’t tell you how hard it is to get on/ find a routine that works for families with children under the age of 6 (at least the oldest under that age). I am definitely going to try this, it looks like something I can live with. I have a 3 year old boy, a 20 month old girl and one who is half way here (almost 5 months along). I may have to tweak to deal with the extra needed sleep for pregnancy but I am hopeful. Besides, it has a lot of the elements that I have found work for me.
Thank you so much!
Sarah
January 20, 2012 at 9:44 am (488 days ago)Lifesaving tips. God bless you bunches!! I have been praying for this kind of insight for a long time. Praise God for what He has and is doing in you!
Katrina
February 20, 2012 at 6:45 am (457 days ago)There are a lot of chore times during this routine and I wonder if the kids could help with the chores instead of doing something else while Mom does the chores. Kids are happier if they have a little job to do that means something.
Jarrod
June 5, 2012 at 11:17 pm (351 days ago)I’ve been looking for more structure with my 2-year-old daughter during the days and I’m going to give that schedule a shot, thanks!
ps. My daughter was born 7 days after this blog post was originally posted. I guess good information never dies
Jenn
March 19, 2013 at 6:46 pm (64 days ago)…and I think it’s good to remember that some days, it’s okay to throw the routine out the window! And also, unless we have somewhere important to be, I always let my kids sleep in until they wake up naturally, which means I often get a little extra prep time to think through the day and maybe finish my coffee!
I don’t necessarily schedule our day to the hour; I have two “portions” of the day – before nap and after nap. Depending on what needs to happen that day, I like to get the chores done around the house, then everyone (even me!) rests at nap, then we conquer the errands in the afternoon before it’s time to work on dinner. If daddy needs to work late, then I’ll most likely pop something in the crock pot before nap, then come home just in time to set the table. It’s so important to remember to tweak and adjust your schedule to make it work for you, and not to become a slave to it. Kids notice stressed out moms usually before the moms notice how they are feeling!
Jenn´s last [type] ..How to Be a Good Mom…and Feel Like It
Melissa Ringstaff
March 19, 2013 at 7:03 pm (64 days ago)Jenn, thanks for sharing. Those are some great ideas! You’re right, some days aren’t going to go the way you plan… and that’s okay! Actually… it’s the story of my life!
Erin Thorpe
April 1, 2013 at 4:47 pm (51 days ago)Hello! I saw this pinned today on a friend’s pinterest and gave it a read. This is very very good. I have an 18 month old boy who is very active. BUT I am happy to say that I already follow basically this type of schedule and it does really work. Since we do have set eating times I find my son going to his booster seat at 4:30 for dinner and I’m thinking oh yes time to eat, if I have forgotten. It really does help to have meals prepared or halfway prepared so that I can spend more time with him. I have cut out all computer time during the day except for in the very early morning while he is playing with his toys after breakfast. He likes a bit of time to himself and he usually comes and pulls on my leg when he is ready for me to play with him. We dont even own a TV. He gets up at 6am, usually naps 10-11, and then bedtime at 6 pm. I really am grateful for those few evening hours by myself because then I can clean, prepare for the next day, and/or be with my husband. Thanks for posting this! Not every day is ideal but it does help to try to stick to some type of guideline. I totally agree with never leaving them unattended. That is definitely asking for trouble!
Erin Thorpe
April 1, 2013 at 4:50 pm (51 days ago)p.s. I do involve my son in cooking when Im cooking but most of the time we do crockpot meals. But he loves mixing Rice Krispies around in a bowl if Im mixing something too. He also is right there with a swiffer sweeper when I am mopping. He is mommy’s little helper! I dont agree with waking up kids in the morning if you dont have any place to be. I let my son wake up naturally. Dont want a grumpy little guy at the very beginning of the day.
Melissa Ringstaff
April 1, 2013 at 5:24 pm (51 days ago)Erin, I appreciate you sharing your experience with us. I’m so glad you stopped by!
Joanna
April 5, 2013 at 7:46 am (47 days ago)Thanks so much! I’ve been struggling with how to schedule my day with my 2 yr. old at home by herself while the other two are in school. This helped so much.
Melissa Ringstaff
April 5, 2013 at 8:38 am (47 days ago)Joanna, I’m so glad it was helpful! Such a fun age. Thank you for visiting with me today. I hope you’ll come back soon and chat with me. God bless you!
Deanna
April 5, 2013 at 11:50 am (47 days ago)I saw this on Pinterest and was immediately interested. In about 6 weeks, i am going to resigning from my position and entering the world of a stay at home mom/housewife, which after much contemplation and prayer, I believe to be the most important calling for my life right now. As I try to prepare for this new endeavor, I have been reading blogs voraciously trying to get as many tips and tricks for creating a well run, clean, maintained home. On top of all of these changes, my son and I will be moving every 6-8 months with my husband because of his job. Life is going to get crazy hectic and fast. Thanks for providing such blessed tips and tricks for running a grace filled home that honors both God and the family.
Melissa Ringstaff
April 5, 2013 at 1:29 pm (47 days ago)Deanna, I’m so glad you found it helpful. God bless you in your calling!
Rachael
April 9, 2013 at 1:13 pm (43 days ago)It’s good for children to be independent! My son loves playing in his playroom. It’s important at this age to teach boundaries. My son is 3 and he knows not to play with the stove or open the refrigerator. Putting up gates doesn’t teach impulse control, discipline does. I also don’t believe in laying down with him at bedtime. After his bath we read two books and snuggle but then he lays down in his bed and independently drifts to sleep, we’ve had this routine since he was one and no problems,not even during weaning. I guess I’m just saying I agree parents need to be present, but also need to have boundaries, expectations and consequences.
Shantel
April 10, 2013 at 7:44 pm (42 days ago)I just thought that I would comment and say thank you for the post. I’m grateful for the spiritual nature that was included. I found a link to you on pinterest and loved that you made a little picture just for ease of pinning. Thank you!
Amanda
April 11, 2013 at 8:24 pm (41 days ago)I LOVE what you said about being present, and I am often guilty of trying to escape behind a computer while my 11 mo. old plays by himself! I should be present more often, so thanks for helping me realize that
Amanda´s last [type] ..Boneless Buffalo Wings
Melissa Ringstaff
April 11, 2013 at 9:04 pm (41 days ago)Hi Amanda, I’m glad it helped! God bless you and your little one.
Thanks for stopping by and visiting with me. I hope to see you again soon! BTW, nice blog!
Mindy
April 25, 2013 at 9:14 am (27 days ago)I like what you said about being present, but in your schedule you don’t mention daily interruptions like volunteering at school or going to the grocery store. I seem to go somewhere 3 or 4 times a week and they are at different times. Am I doing a larger disservice to my elementary aged kids by not volunteering or my toddler by not being scheduled.
PS Your house sounds clean!
Andrea
April 25, 2013 at 12:03 pm (27 days ago)My son is in college now, but looking back I realize Moms can get distracted when they spend too much time with only children as an outlet. I would have a young girl come over and help after school and pay her alittle something for a couple hours. If not in the budget try putting earphones on the older child to listen to a story while preparing dinner.
Melissa Ringstaff
April 28, 2013 at 7:29 am (24 days ago)Mindy, I loved your question and answered it here:
http://avirtuouswoman.org/2013/04/28/qa-how-to-structure-the-day-toddler-school-aged-child/
God bless you!
VeronicaS
May 5, 2013 at 5:36 am (17 days ago)This is something I have been thinking about lately. I only have one daughter, 3 years old, but I love having structure in my life, and I believe she would benefit as well. I just feel like I don’t know how to create the structure we need. Thank you for sharing the daily timetable. I think it looks very broken down, and perfect for me.
Leah
May 12, 2013 at 4:55 pm (10 days ago)Wise words, and a helpful schedule. I follow most of this schedule already and can testify that it works!
I just wanted to add to the discussion that I struggle with the idea that it isn’t good to sleep as long as your children sleep in the mornings and that that makes you “that kind of mom”. Personally, I struggle with never getting enough sleep and perpetual fatigue, and if I can get an extra hour in the mornings and sleep as long as my daughter sleeps, I will because it makes me a better Mom and wife that day. For those of us who have husbands with evening responsibilities, going to bed extra early is not always an option without cheating him. Being pregnant and/or having a night-nursing baby, as many moms of toddlers do, compounds the problem and makes skimping yourself of an extra hour of sleep, in some cases, irresponsible.
I hope that when my children are older, sleep through the night consistently, and are less demanding during the day, getting more solid rest at night and waking up earlier before them will be possible – I think it will be. But I think it lays an unnecessary guilt trip on pregnant/nursing/moms-of-little-ones to tell them they should be voluntarily giving up sleep when they are already so exhausted. We all know how cranky and ungodly we can be when we are tired! And for others, it leads to depression and anxiety. Sleep is important, and one of the keys to making us good moms. Let’s not discourage those of us who lay the housework aside and nap when our baby naps, or are excited that we got an extra half hour of sleep when the toddler decided to sleep in a little bit that day.
You can find ways to still fit in time with God and make mornings pleasant. For example, I still make an effort to smile and greet my toddler joyfully when I get her out of her crib, even if I’m jerked out of sleep and still groggy. Also, I love that she actually sees me do my devotions every morning, even if I am more distracted than if I were alone.
Leah´s last [type] ..A Present Help
Melissa Ringstaff
May 13, 2013 at 7:34 am (9 days ago)Leah, I totally agree! Sleep is so important and one of the Eight Laws of Health! And in life there are seasons. I have struggled with sleep deprivation for the last couple of years {and with my health} and I can testify that not getting enough sleep can really affect the rest of your life. I wanted to respond to your comment in depth… http://avirtuouswoman.org/2013/05/13/mama-needs-sleep/
Thanks for visiting with me today! God bless you!