Q & A: Structuring the Day for a Toddler

Q: Melissa, Thanks so much for your reply. I haven’t tried a more structured routine because I fear I cannot keep being consistent with it. He does spend a lot of time alone during the day as I tend my 1 yr old(nursing, changing, (etc.) I have never considered him being alone causing his independence, but I can see where it would. I do not feel an adequate mother because at times I do raise my voice(yell) and get irritated when I am interrupted. I feel pulled in a million directions and often resent the time I have to spend with all the responsibilities I have.  Any advice on a good routine for a 3 1/2 yr old, with a still nursing on occasion 1 yr old? Thanks!!!

A: Dear Mom, Toddlers can be very trying or very rewarding. I remember when my son who is just about to turn 19 was  3 1/2 years old and I had a newborn baby girl. At the time I was very young and despite my best efforts I just didn’t know how to handle him. I have learned a lot since then! It’s too bad that sometimes our firstborn children don’t get the best of us.

A lot of things can affect the behavior of your toddler. A calm child is more likely to come from a calm home and vice versa. Keep in mind here, that there are exceptions to the rule! But generally this is the case.

Your three year old knows that when you sit down to nurse the baby that you are distracted. He also knows when you are distracted with other tasks whether it is changing a diaper, cooking a meal, cleaning the house, or reading a book. Three year olds naturally want to take advantage of the situation! Not only that, but three year olds want your attention, so if he is occupying himself for large portions of the day he is going to be harder to handle.

I know how easy it is to want to “escape” from reality by sitting down with a book, computer, television, etc. – ignoring the little tyke as he pulls all of the books off the shelf or gets into the refrigerator. You just want peace and quiet!

I also know how easy it is to feel like a three year old is a needy little monster who is sucking the life out of you. So, when you are trying to get your TO DO LIST accomplished, interruptions are not pleasant. You just want to get your stuff done and get on with your life!

Let me tell you though – I have been there and now that my 18 going on 19 year old is practically grown, I really wish I had taken more time to sit on the floor with him and listened to him talk to me, play with me, interact with me. In other words I wish I had spent more time being “present.” I was there, but my mind was elsewhere.

Thankfully, by the time he was school age I had a wake up call because I realized how fast my children were growing up and I have spent the last dozen years or more “being present.”

Jesus has given us the honor of being a mom. Our first and foremost ministry is not to our friends, it’s not to our church, it’s not to ourselves – it is to our family – our husbands and children. This time passes by soooo quickly! I know it seems like forever when all you feel is frustration and sorrow. But this will pass and you will wonder where the years went!!

It’s okay to take a time out from time to time and read a book or soak in the tub. And it is okay to insist that the house be kept neat and tidy. It  is even good for your kids to know that responsibilities are important. But don’t forget that being there for your kids, paying attention to what they are doing – even when you’d rather be somewhere else – is in the end going to make everyone happier. Including yourself.

I often hear (and witness) moms who complain about their toddlers creating havoc in the home everyday. The child makes huge messes, throws temper tantrums, insists on having his way all the time. But my question is always this – what is Mom doing when little Timmy is making that huge mess?

If you are in the kitchen cooking supper and little Timmy is in the living room pulling all of the tape out of the VCR tapes – the problem does not lie with the child, it lies with the mom. She has allowed her little mischievous child to be alone for 30 minutes while she prepares the meal (which is a worthy endeavor). Rather than allowing him unsupervised access to the living room (or any other part of the house) put up a gate and insist he stay in the kitchen with you while you cook. Then, give him activities to keep him busy.For instance:

• give him a drawer of pots or toy dishes he can play with
• feed him grapes or carrot stick while he waits for supper
• pull out a special coloring book reserved just for that same time each day
• let him tear up lettuce for the salad, stir the cornbread batter, or shake the “Shake and Bake”

If your toddler helps himself to the fridge every time you sit down to nurse the baby (or whatever), instead of letting him have free reign of the house, put up a gate and give him a box of blocks or other toy to play with. One of my favorite ideas is to make Activity Bags for your toddler. Get them out only when you nurse the baby or at the same time each day when you need to get a chore done.

So, my point is, toddlers are going to get into stuff, if for no other reason than to test your parenting skills! Don’t leave them unattended! The other issue with leaving your child alone to occupy himself is the fact that is causes your child to feel insecure and unsure of himself. He realizes that the boundaries are too wide and what he really wants is structure and solid boundaries to keep him safe. Having reasonable rules and limits to what is acceptable behavior gives children a feeling of being loved and cared for.

Oh, and another note – a lot of moms don’t wake up before their children. Instead, little Timmy has to come and wake mommy up and ask for something to eat. Don’t be that kind of mom.

Here is a good routine for a mom with a toddler and infant:

6:00 am – Wake up. Have devotions and prayer time – if baby is away, nurse her during this time. Prepare Breakfast.

7:00 am – Wake up toddler. Make beds. Get dressed. Eat Breakfast. Morning Worship – sing some fun songs, have a Bible story, and pray.

8:00 am – Chore Time for Mom – Tidy kitchen & sweep, tidy bathrooms & wipe down sinks, start load of laundry,10 minute de-clutter. During this time you can do one of two things with the little ones – put the gate up and let them play with toys. Or let them watch PBS. I know television as a baby sitter [sigh]. It works.

9:00 am -  Play time.

10:30 am – Snack time.

11:30 am – Pick up toys. Prepare lunch.

12:00 pm – Eat lunch. Tidy Kitchen.

1:00 pm – Playtime with Mommy.

2:00 pm - Nap/ Quiet time. Afternoon chores for Mommy – fold & put away clothes, mop floors, tidy house, etc.

4:00 pm – Play Outside time in good weather. Or Play Inside during bad weather, in which case at 4:45 have children pick up toys. Don’t just tell your toddler to clean up his toys. Work beside him. Also, having toys well organized makes this much easier. Teach your child from an early age to only get one toy out at a time. HUGE timesaver!

5:00 pm – Prepare supper.

6:00 pm – Eat supper.

7:00 pm – Family Worship.

7:30 pm – Bath time. Story time.

8:00 pm – Bed time for kids. Let me say that bedtimes can be really difficult. I still remember the frustration of putting my first three children to bed – the crying, the spankings – it was horrible. I wised up with my fourth and fifth kids. I laid down and snuggled with them. Those memories are precious to me – the conversations we had! The hugs and kisses! The sweet, happy bedtimes! I wouldn’t trade it for the world!

9:00 pm – Tidy kitchen. Prepare for tomorrow.

Once you do a routine everyday, your child will begin to know what to expect and when. Eating at about the same time is really helpful and can prevent a lot of temper tantrums caused by low blood sugar (hunger)! Patience in dealing with your children is really key – a calm mommy is more likely to have a calm baby/ child. If you always respond with a tense/ angry voice why should you expect any different from your child?

Don’t not try to get into a good solid routine just because you afraid of failing. Never forget that tomorrow is a new day! God can give you the strength to be the best mom possible for your children. It isn’t easy. Raising kids just isn’t. But it is worth every bit of effort!

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