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Common Courtesy
Photo Credit: Jesse Therrien
Have you ever noticed how easy it is to be polite to strangers, or church members, or neighbors? There are rules of etiquette that pertain to relationships. Those rules are called manners. And manners do matter.
Have you also ever noticed how easy it is to throw manners (courtesy) out the window the when it comes to your spouse? Maybe you have had the experience of having a heated argument discussion with your husband when the phone rings. Of course, you don’t want anyone to know you just insulted your husband so you take a deep breath, put a smile on your face, and say “hello” with every bit of pleasantness you can muster.
Common courtesy is often lacking in marriage on one or both sides. At home, you want to be yourself and let your guard down. You know your husband knows everything good and bad about you so you don’t have to pretend to be something you are not. While there may be a strong desire to please your husband when you are first married, the reality of marriage is tarnished by disappointment, and so the desire to please him lessens and the desire to please self grows.
Do you ever catch yourself being rude to your husband? It is sad to think that the most important people in our lives often receive the worst of our selves. Being polite goes a long way to creating goodwill within the family unit.
Disclaimer: This is a series for wives, not husbands. I believe that husbands should treat their wives with love and respect just as Christ would. This series is not about changing sinful husbands. It is about changing our own sinful hearts as wives.
Are you a helpmeet?
“And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him.” Genesis 2:18
In today’s society, the word HELPMEET is often met with derision and contempt. Even within Christian circles, the idea that woman was created for man can bring about heated discussions and controversy. I think the problem very well lies within the interpretation of the word.
Helpmeet very simply means to be a helper.
When two people come together in marriage, they share goals and dreams for their new life. They decide what kind of life they want to live, where they want to live, how many children they want to have, when to purchase their first home, and the list goes on. They have a life in common. They are creating memories and experiences together.
A wife should compliment her husband in a way that helps him achieve their common goals so that he may prosper thereby prospering their family as well. A wife should make life easier for her husband. In other words, the husband and wife work together to create their life together, each bearing their own roles to play. They are partners in life and love. They are like one unit, each working toward the same goal, but with separate jobs.
Both the husband and wife are important, without one there would be no marriage. Neither the wife nor the husband is less important, but they are different. Just like the husband should be considerate of the emotional, physical, and spiritual needs of his wife, so should the wife be considerate of the needs of her husband.
And so they work together as a team. What would happen if one member of a baseball team (each with their own role to play) decided he no longer wanted to be the catcher because he preferred being the pitcher? They game would fall apart. Marriage is the same way.
As wives, God has given us an amazing responsibility to love our husbands as only a wife can do. By considering ways we can be a helpmeet to our husbands, we will strengthen our marriage relationship.
We’ll be discussing what a HELPMEET looks like over the next few weeks. I hope you will join me!
Disclaimer: This is a series for wives, not husbands. I believe that husbands should treat their wives with love and respect just as Christ would. This series is not about changing sinful husbands. It is about changing our own sinful hearts as wives.
What do you think?
A Helpmeet for Him
Join me for a new series to help you become the helpmeet God created you to be!
L.O.V.E. Putting Your Love Styles to Work for You: Book Review
L.O.V.E. : Putting Your Love Style to Work for You by Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott
I opened this book, turned to the first chapter and saw this quote:
“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” – Rita Rudner
I am still laughing! Okay, so if you are married, you have probably realized by now that living with another person has its ups and downs. You both have those little quirks in your habits or personality that didn’t seem so glaring before the vows were said. So why do you behave the way you do? And why does he behave the way he does?
It has a lot to do with your personal LOVE style. Are you a Leader? An Optimist? A Validator? An Evaluator? I had a hard time deciding whether I am an Optimist or a Validator. I think I am a mixture of both. I married a Leader.
Wow! I have to say that as far as the personality descriptions – this book was right on! I loved the second part of the book best. It teaches you how to best LOVE your spouse with chapters titled “If You’re Married to a Leader,” “If You’re Married to an Optimist,” etc. This is a book you can read with your husband or just for yourself if your husband doesn’t like to read self-help books.
From the Back Cover:
The letters L.O.V.E. represent four personality dimensions that make up your personal ‘love style.’ Once you know your own love style and that of your spouse, you will be able to love him or her in a way that will help you get the love you need in return.
Relationship experts Drs. Les& Leslie Parrott stand on a mountain of research to show you how this single insight can draw you closer together. Never before have we had such an easy-to-use and scientifically proven tool for pinpointing each person’s approach to love. You’ll discover how much these dimensions inform your love style:
- L – Leader: The Take-Charge Spouse
- O – Optimist: The Encouraging Spouse
- V – Validator: The Devoted Spouse
- E – Evaluator: The Careful Spouse
The L.O.V.E. online assessment, in combination with this book, will show you how you are designed to approach everything from communication and conflict to sex and intimacy. This is not your typical marriage book. It’s a practical tool for learning how to express love to your spouse and feel truly loved in return.
I highly recommend this book to you married women out there. It will help you better understand your spouse. For more information you can visit the Parrotts website RealRelationships.com.
The Heart of Her Husband: Day 14
“The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her.” Proverbs 31:11
Today’s Valentine’s Day… I thought it would be fun to focus on different aspects of the marriage relationship or rather, how you and I can be better wives! Proverbs 31 tells us that the heart of the virtuous woman’s husband could safely trust in her. Does your husband trust you or does his hear lie in fear of what is coming?
You can read the rest of this series here.
Are you a helpmeet?
The Bible says, “The LORD God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.” Genesis 2:18. (NIV) Have you been a helper suitable to your husband or have you been like the foolish woman and torn apart your home and marriage with your own hands?
Jesus said, “There is no greater love than to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.” John 15:13. (NLT) We could say it this way, “There is no greater love than for a wife to die to herself daily in order to serve her husband as well as Christ with a pure heart.” It is our selfish desires our yearning to be #1 that causes us to say and do things that destroy rather than uplift. In the book, The Excellent Wife, by Martha Peace she says:
Eighteen Ways a Wife May be the Glory of Her Husband
1. Ask your husband, “What are your goals for the week?”
2. Ask your husband, “How can I help you accomplish these goals?”
3. Ask your husband, “Is there anything that I can do differently that would make it easier for you?”
4. Be organized with cleaning, grocery shopping, laundry and cooking. As you fulfill your God-given responsibilities, your husband is then free to do his work.
5. Save some of your energy every day for him.
6. Put him FIRST over the children, your parents, friends, job, ladies’ Bible studies, hobbies, etc.
7. Willingly and cheerfully rearrange your schedule for him when necessary.
8. Talk about him in a positive light to and around others. Do NOT slander him at all, even if what you are saying is true.
9. Do whatever you can to make him look good, to accomplish his goals. Some examples are to run errands for him, organize your day to be available to help him with projects, pray for him and make good suggestions. Give him freedom to not use your suggestion, and do not be offended when he does not follow it.
10. Consider his work (job, hobbies, goals, work for the Lord) as more important than your own.
11. think of specific ways that you can help him accomplish his goals. Examples are to get up early in the mornings to help him get off to work having had a good breakfast, take care in recording phone messages for him, anticipate any needs he may have in order to attain a specific goal, and keep careful records of money spent to keep up with the budget.
12. Consider the things that you are involved in. How do they glorify your husband? Ask his guidance.
13. Be warm and gracious to his family and friends. Make your commitment to him obvious.
14. Do and say things to him that build him up instead of tear him down.
15. Dress and apply your make-up in an attractive manner that is pleasing to YOUR husband.
16. When your husband sins, reprove him gently and privately, always giving him hope and pointing him to the Lord.
17. Encuorage him to use his spiritual gifts in ministry.
Realize that just as God is glorified when man obeys Him, your husband is glorified when you obey your husband.
It wouldn’t hurt for you and I to post these ideas on a card in our Bible or in our Prayer and Devotion basket… or even on the refrigerator door! Let’s make this year the best year ever when it comes to loving our husbands!
The Heart of Her Husband: Day 13
“The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her.” Proverbs 31:11
With Valentine’s Day approaching in just a few days… I thought it would be fun to focus on different aspects of the marriage relationship or rather, how you and I can be better wives! Proverbs 31 tells us that the heart of the virtuous woman’s husband could safely trust in her. Does your husband trust you or does his hear lie in fear of what is coming?
You can read the rest of this series here.
You love your husband when you love your kids.
Are you tired and anxious, annoyed and irritated on a regular basis with your kids? Do you find yourself being short or yelling at them… all day long? Do you long for time away from your family?
I want to encourage you to take a step and back and think about your children. Really think about them. Not as little monsters who came into this world to ruin your life, but as precious gifts from God.
Nothing will teach us more about patience than motherhood. God has a plan for you and for each of your children. It is up to you and only you whether this season of motherhood brings you joy and peace and patience.
Delight in your children. Spend time with them – just being with them, talking to them, getting to know them. If you are bothered every time your child interrupts your activities or wants your attention, the irritation does not come from God but from the one who seeks to destroy. Stop what you are doing and really pay attention to your children – before it is too late! They grow up so fast and the moments you have right now will be gone forever ten minutes from now.
It’s okay to have quiet time or “me time” every now and then, but during this season of your life, God has given you the awesome responsibility of raising your children for His kingdom. The best way you can do that is to show your children by your example what it means to live for Him and then spend quality time every day training them, teaching them His ways.
Finally, show your children what a wonderful father they have. Instead of rolling your eyes when he makes a request or snapping back at him when he asks a question, love him and teach your children to love him. Make daddy the hero of your home. Don’t waste this time that God has given you. Life is too short to not enjoy the blessings around us.
The Heart of Her Husband: Day 12
“The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her.” Proverbs 31:11
With Valentine’s Day approaching in just a few days… I thought it would be fun to focus on different aspects of the marriage relationship or rather, how you and I can be better wives! Proverbs 31 tells us that the heart of the virtuous woman’s husband could safely trust in her. Does your husband trust you or does his hear lie in fear of what is coming?
You can read the rest of this series here.
What do you cook for your husband?
- Do you like to cook?
- Day in and day out, do you provide nutritious, home cooked, meals?
- Do you go out of your way to prepare food your husband will enjoy?
I am at home typically all day everyday. Since we homeschool, everyone (aside from my husband) is home for every meal. Rarely will we ever eat out. So, I cook a lot. I like to make a wide variety of foods from scratch including ethnic foods. My husband always “brags” about what a good cook I am to others. Having a big family means I have to cook a lot of food everyday.
I have also, over the years tried to make my cooking healthier which often means less “comfort foods.” I realized one day a few years ago that my husband just isn’t as happy if all I cook is “light” salads, Mediterranean style meals, etc. He really feels taken care of and loved if I cook his favorite comfort foods. So, I try to make his favorite foods several times a week. Maybe your husband is the opposite and really wants to eat only low-fat or vegan dishes. Whatever it is that makes your husband feel loved when he sits down to dinner should be made a priority in your meal planning.
Even if you think your husband should eat more vegetables, don’t dismiss his favorite meals! Instead, try to find ways to cut out the fat and add more nutrients. You could even try some recipes from the book Deceptively Delicious by Jessica Seinfeld and learn how to disguise veggies in your recipes.
I have met a lot of women over the years who claim to be terrible cooks. Maybe you are one of them. If you burn everything you bake and can’t seem to get it right, I want to encourage you to get a basic cookbook and choose a new recipe several times a week to try. Follow the instructions carefully and then pay attention! Burned food only happens when we get distracted! Practice makes perfect. Do it for your husband and for your children. Food creates memories that will be carried in the hearts of your family for a lifetime. It is so important!
The Heart of Her Husband: Day 11
“The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her.” Proverbs 31:11
With Valentine’s Day approaching in just a few days… I thought it would be fun to focus on different aspects of the marriage relationship or rather, how you and I can be better wives! Proverbs 31 tells us that the heart of the virtuous woman’s husband could safely trust in her. Does your husband trust you or does his hear lie in fear of what is coming?
You can read the rest of this series here.
Men are basically easy to please. Feed them good food, keep the house clean, and give them plenty of…
Okay, so husband’s aren’t usually too hard to keep happy if they are getting the big three at home from their wife. Good food, a clean house, and a wife who doesn’t withhold sex. Today, I want to focus a little bit on the sex issue because I figure you might want to have a few days to think about how you are going to drive him wild on Sunday night.
First, let’s talk about the bedroom. It should be neat, tidy, and fresh smelling. In other words, your bedroom should not be full of clutter, laundry, dust, etc. and the bed linens should smell good. So, if your bedroom is looking a little less than it’s best, go ahead and give it a good once over today and tomorrow.
If you visit Real Relationships, Drs. Les and Leslie Parrot have a newsletter you can sign up for and when you sign up you get a little e-booklet called 7 Secrets. #2 deals with sex. Their secret for a happy married life full of great sex for women is this: seduce your husband wildly at least once a week. He’ll be a happy man and far less likely to be tempted by women he meets on a daily basis when he is away from home.
Go the extra mile this weekend. Light some candles. Run him a bath (maybe even join him?), wear something sexy. Be his fantasy this weekend…. and then try to make it a weekly occurrence.
“Do not deprive each other of sexual relations, unless you both agree to refrain from sexual intimacy for a limited time so you can give yourselves more completely to prayer. Afterward, you should come together again so that Satan won’t be able to tempt you because of your lack of self-control.” 1 Corinthians 7:5
The Heart of Her Husband: Day 10
“The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her.” Proverbs 31:11
With Valentine’s Day approaching in just a few days… I thought it would be fun to focus on different aspects of the marriage relationship or rather, how you and I can be better wives! Proverbs 31 tells us that the heart of the virtuous woman’s husband could safely trust in her. Does your husband trust you or does his hear lie in fear of what is coming?
You can read the rest of this series here.
Do you expect your husband to be perfect?
You probably thought your husband was pretty near perfect when you met, maybe even in the first days and weeks of your marriage. And then real life happened and he disappointed you. Now, you can’t understand why your husband doesn’t know what you want when you want it, he isn’t nearly as thoughtful as he should be, he makes a mess like a child and doesn’t clean up, he doesn’t watch the kids the way you would, he doesn’t see the need for romance, etc.
Now, when he disappoints you, you feel resentment toward him, maybe even indifferent and you let him know just how unhappy you are with his thoughtless behavior. You want him to provide you with every want, every need, every desire and be your perfect companion.
Unfortunately, you married a mortal man, a sinful human being.
Only Jesus Christ can fill all the desires of your heart. If you are looking to your husband to complete you in every way possible, you will always be disappointed. He is not perfect, nor will he ever be until you are together in heaven.
Christ came to this earth and lived here among a sinful race. He died an excruciating death for you… and for your husband. Neither one of you deserve the grace of God, but it is a gift you will receive if you only reach out and take it.
Sin is such a wicked, putrefying thing in the sight of God. And yet, He loved us enough to show us grace even though we will never deserve it as long as we are living in this sinful world. Grace is not something we deserve it is a gift.
Perhaps today you can stop seeing all of the shortcomings in your husband and start seeing him the way God sees him – as a precious child of the King. Someone who deserves love at all costs. Someone who deserves forgiveness – not because he is so great, but because God was loving enough to forgive you. Love him, because in the end, what else really matters?
The Heart of Her Husband: Day 9
“The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her.” Proverbs 31:11
With Valentine’s Day approaching in just a few days… I thought it would be fun to focus on different aspects of the marriage relationship or rather, how you and I can be better wives! Proverbs 31 tells us that the heart of the virtuous woman’s husband could safely trust in her. Does your husband trust you or does his hear lie in fear of what is coming?
You can read the rest of this series here.
Do you manipulate your husband?
I was listening to Focus on the Family on the radio this morning. The guest speaker mentioned something I wanted to share. She talked about how, often, women will manipulate their husbands to get their way. There are hundreds of ways to manipulate your husband.
- You could pout and give the silent treatment.
- You could refuse to be physically intimate.
- You could work behind the scenes to get your way.
- You could make your husband feel inferior or inept at making decisions.
- You could get your kids to ask for something you really want.
Have you ever done any of these things… or maybe manipulated your husband in other ways? When wives manipulate their husbands into getting their way, it can cause hurt and resentment on his part. He may no longer trust you. He may feel that no matter what decisions he makes you are never happy. He may feel betrayed and angry. He may feel like he cannot trust you with his feeling, his thoughts, his dreams.
If you find yourself wanting your way no matter the cost, pray about! Ask God to give you a submissive heart and to help you trust your husband as the head of your household. Instead of manipulating the situation, ask God to give your husband wisdom to make the right choices. Your marriage will be stronger for it.
